I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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