cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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