Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
