My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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