quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
