I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
