He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Randomize