There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
