I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
