I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
