God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
