sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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