ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I need to calm my uterus...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
