So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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