Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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