thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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