I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
