Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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