how do flat chested girls get laid?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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