This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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