Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
