Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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