hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My ass is underappreciated
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
