I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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