How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
