i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
