It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
