I think I died a long time ago.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
