So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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