I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
