you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
