I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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