I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
