I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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