he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
