the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
