To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
