If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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