this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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