Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So apparently I’m into choking now
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