I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
