yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
