Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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