he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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