I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
