I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
