Define "chronic" masturbator.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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