1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize