I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
