we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
