: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
