I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
