We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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