I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
