my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
