so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
