I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
