Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
